I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
