How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
