i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
