I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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