I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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