So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
