Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
