"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
