omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
