and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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