omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
