I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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