Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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