We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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