I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Randomize
