So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
