You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
