After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
