I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
