I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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