I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
