I showed him my bush... on skype.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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