when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
