Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the day after is always just damage control
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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