can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
