new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
