I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
