i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
