You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
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i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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