This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
