last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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