I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
