it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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