There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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