I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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