Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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