:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
