tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
