Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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