All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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