Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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