there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
