No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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