You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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