): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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