Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
