someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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