I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
