whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
