My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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