Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
