3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up under a house in Key West
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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