The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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