do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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