i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
