hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
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seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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