this beer tastes like vomit already
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
