It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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